I was only looking for somewhere out of the rain where I could get drunk, and this stupid ****ing Dutch poet starting drivelling about caterpillars and stuff. Go away! Leave me alone!

“Rob”, derelict and former MP, 25 September 2016.

La vie, eh? Eet is buht the ze discarded orange peel on ze oily canal d’existence. What for do you bozzer me wiz questions of laahfe?

Jean-Paul Tripe de Meirde, “How a Frenchman buys his underpants (part seven)”, 28 February 2015.

I am Doctor in Nigeria have much money in Geneva account which, may God look kindly upon you, may you help with small remittance.

Reverend Doctor Bilherzia Pellagra-Elephantiasis, Nigerian culture minister, 10 July 2014.

Wow, and I thought my stuff was cynical, empty garbage.

Damien Emin, contemporary artist, 6 November 2013.

Dear god, let me out! Let me out!

BBC commissioning editor, 8 August 2009.

A pretentious southern tosser.

Punter at the Bletherin’ Doncaster Word Party, 26 May 2008.

My grandmother had a fatal stroke during the third hour of WT’s ‘performance’. Where, O death, thy sting?

Punter at the Guildford literary festival, 10 June 2007.

I’m so impressed at the chutzpah of this performance poet. My admiration goes to WT, and my warning to everyone else.

New York Literary Review, 15 January 2006.

The purest, most sublime bilge.

London Tonight, 23 September 2005.

I had never heard anyone call for an epidural during a recital before.

Ludovic Rudolfo Featherstonehaugh-Smythe, The Ludovic Rudolfo Featherstonehaugh-Smythe Review of Contemporary Sesquipedalian Phenomena, 12 April 2004.

I lost my heart to a starship trooper.

Hot Gossip, December 1978.

I do not like them here or there. I would not like them anywhere. I do not like green eggs and ham. I do not like them, Sam-I-am.

Doctor Zaius, leader of Ape National Assembly, Minister of Science and Chief Defender of the Faith, 21 July 3975.